ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
