I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
