His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
