woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
