Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
