whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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