I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
