I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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