I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
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Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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