Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.