I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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