if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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