im about as happy as oj after his trial
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
