There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
