FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
