I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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