My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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