Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
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No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
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Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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