i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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