Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just found a bag of teeth...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
