can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
