cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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