Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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