3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
