Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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