It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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