went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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