I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
