i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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