You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
