Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
