oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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