I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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