I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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