my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
