I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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