The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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