im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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