i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
