I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
