Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
