I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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