This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
