last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
