also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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