i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
