theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
