Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
