did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
