ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
