Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
