My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
