im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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