I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
