I am midnight drunk by noon
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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