my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
