i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
